14.7.09

~In the midst of our lives...~

In the midst of our lives,
we must find the magic
that makes our souls soar.
**
My life feels like a vacuum.
I can't take anything in, I can't let anything out.
So I hover, like the golden dragon fly that has haunted my dreams for the past two weeks.
There are so many things I need to do.
Basic everyday things, things that I would normally do without thinking.
Instead I sit at the computer playing FarmTown on Face Book.
Escapism.
Friends and family have kept PH and I busy, retirement parties, visits to cottages, wild life exhibits, art galleries,
lunches, BBQ's, auctions, gardening.
Events, that while they are enjoyable, prevent me from organising my thoughts.
I dream of my Dad drawing and sketching,
things he was unable to do for the last few years.
Later this week we will visit friends we have had for over 30 years.
Her father died the same day as mine, with the same disease.
There are no coincidences.
Perhaps, when we sit together and talk we can make sense of it.
Since June 26th I have been living in the past,
reliving my childhood and the years in England
before we came to Canada.
Remembering family holidays and celebrations,
and laughing about the fun we had.
I can't cry, and I need to.

21 comments:

  1. Oh sheila..your post made me so sad. I too go into times when I live in the past and think of them lots. I think a good cry is in order, and should alleviate some of that tension. Wouldnt it be nice togo back and just see the those old times one more time?

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  2. Hug your teddy and have a 'Duvet Day'. It's what i'd do.
    Sending you a ((hug)) right now.

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  3. I'm so sorry to see your last tie to England gone and that may be a part of your loss added on to a dear parent. If all things go as they "should" each of us end up an orphan. We, just do it late in life when there are many distractions. Hugs, my friend.

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  4. sheila this is a touching post! i wish for the day though when i can just sit in my rocking chair and enjoy the memories stored in my brain. they are always a pleasure to come back to when iam in need of comfort and cheers.
    stay with the thought!
    xoxoxoxo

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  5. Losing a parent is so hard. My family links to England disappeared with the death of first my father and then my mother 2 years later. I still miss them although it's been many many years.... and I often wish I could talk to them. I wish they could see their two lovely great-grandsons, I know they would be thrilled.
    Thinking of you, and your family. Enjoy your memories, your home, your garden, your husband, your family, your friends, your neighbours. These are the important things in life.

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  6. Sheila, this post made me feel so sad and helpless. I wish I could reach across the miles and give you a hug. We can all give our advice but in the end you are the only person who knows what you need. If that's sitting at the computer then do it. If it means thinking about things from your past then do it. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better.

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  7. oh MUM.

    Cry. For Granddad, for Grandma, for Bunky. For the shadows of long ago. For you. You need to.

    Cry!
    It's okay to. Really. We are in the midst.
    We must continue on. Reaching out for our well deserved happinesses. Grabbing them and then passing them around, so others can see that we make the most of this. We must.

    Canon Rob had it right, we must strive to make our eulogies tough to write; have so many damn things going on that where will they begin to talk about us...?

    Your distractions are a life. This is life. You seem to be living it well, surrounded by those who love you...!

    I love you. I wish you would cry.
    (I mean that in the nicest way you could imagine.)

    xoxo
    Gillian

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  8. There are many ways to grieve. Not one right way! Your tears will come....when they may. If only you could just let a few out so the flood gates don't build up.
    Meanwhile we have tears for the love of your lost Daddy. We have tears for what you are going through with incredible grace.
    Tears and prayers for you and Ivo.

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  9. Oh Sheila ~

    I read this the day that you posted it and had no words, only wanting to hug you.

    I think that Gillian and gemma had wise words to say. Be gentle with yourself and embrace what you ARE feeling. When I lost my dad, I felt some of the feelings that you mention. I came to realize that if I could feel everything that I felt, it would have been to much for me to handle. It trickles through little by little.

    Loving you Sheila

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  10. My heart goes out to you, I know changes in time and places can be hard to grapple, but you will carry on my friend and we will all support you while you do so. Hugs.

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  11. I haven't been around in a while. I hope you are feeling better now.

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  12. Dear Shelia,
    I understand. It took 12 years before I was able to cry after my Dad died. I gave myself until my uncle, my Dad's brother, died. I waited because I was busy taking care of my Mother. I could not cry. I was afriad that once I started I would never stop....I waited. It was okay too. I cried when I was ready.
    When I did cry I cried all the tears for so many things. I cried for my childhood.
    When I look back on my grieving time I see how it worked out in the right way.
    You will cry when you are ready.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Be your own best of friends.
    Hugs,
    Sherry

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  13. I hope that talking to your friend and sharing your sadness will help you. Sooner or later something will happen to make the dam burst and then you will feel better. Have you taken out all the old photograhs of your childhood especially those with your dad on? Look through them, dwell on the memories and maybe that will help too. Hugs dear friend.

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  14. lots of heart break but lots of blessings too. I hope you are able to let some of those emotions out soon so that you can continue on your life journey. xo

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  15. You have been going through a lot lately. my dear. My heart is with you and your family, as always. I'll see you in Farmtown.

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  16. Those we love never leave us, dear Sheila, for they live in the garden of our hearts, in that special place that is reserved for them, and them alone :)

    We have to wait for the next bus to come along, to see them once more. Until then, all we are asked to do is trust. They will be waiting for us...but, before that time, Ivo needs you, and your daughters and your grand-daughters..and the littlest one, Madison.

    Crying is the last respect we pay our loved ones...and in the morning comes joy, the joy of knowing they suffer no more and are at peace.

    May God enfold you in His loving arms, dear Sheila :)

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  17. I'm so very sorry to read of your loss Sheila, I feel your pain, my own dear father whom I adored died at the age of 67 when I was just 30. The pain never goes but it does become easier to bear as time passes and those we loved and who loved us never go far, they remain in our hearts and memories for ever. Be strong Sheila, you will be in my thoughts.

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  18. My friend,

    Sometimes sorrow finds expression in ways which we cant understand...

    There's no right or wrong when grieving...

    Your heart will do what it has to,

    To heal,

    You are deeply loved my friend,

    May the soft wings of peace enfold you,

    Love, Maithri

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  19. Hi, Sheila,

    I had thought you were going to be away from blogging all summer, but for some reason came by today. I'm glad I did. Since June 25, I too have been living in the past, not because I lost someone but because I turned 60. It has been a hard BD for me. There are so many people from my past that are now gone.

    Anyway, I want to wish you (and me) for light to come back into our lives again. I know that what I am going through is nothing compared to what you are, but I can feel what you are feeling. Good luck, my dear.

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  20. just popping in to let you know you are in my thoughts often.
    I hope you have been able to let those tears flow ~ missing you here but I know you need to take a break. love as always and forever... R
    (see you on FB!!)

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  21. Oh Sheila.....my heart goes out to you. It must be a really hard time right now. Take the time to heal, reflect and find some peace. Life awaits you, and when you are ready, the sun will shine again.

    Big, big hugs,
    Donna

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